Hypothetically, Ray Rice pays his lawyer entirely too much money


My father raised me to be the kind of man who never hits a woman. Even if she’s throwing punches and kicking at me, do not hit back. Even some rappers abide by this simplistic rule.

However, hypothetically speaking, if that woman is trying to light you on fire or slicing your Johnson off, go ahead and lay one on her…no sense in dying for a certifiable crazoid. There needs to be certain exceptions in extreme situations.

Hypothetically speaking, Ray Rice wasn’t going to be placed on injured reserve by his shitfaced fiance (now wife) in a casino elevator. But he did make a huge mistake in hitting her back, for which Ray has been found guilty by the Courts of the Internets. Plus he still looks forward to additional punishments by Goodell, who actually wields real authority that carries more weight than a judgemental comment or blog post by people sitting in the peanut gallery.

Out of the backfield comes Ray’s lawyer. Well, hypothetically speaking he is still Ray’s lawyer as of the time of this post.

Hypothetically speaking, Ray’s lawyer had something to do with the public statement and “apologies” made by Ray and his wife the other day. The Internets are all atwitter that his wife actually offered an apology for “her role”. Personally, I see nothing wrong with that: I was always taught that my best friend and I both apologize after we beat each other silly. But we apologized to each other…Ray and his wife offered no apology to each other. I wonder why…

And his lawyer seems to have Jerry Jones Syndrome, because he couldn’t resist an active microphone. And he went all hypothetical on the radio about how, in a hypothetical situation, a man might be pushed too far and hit back. Hypothetically speaking, it would be the woman’s fault for getting cold-cocked while she’s swinging away, shitfaced in an elevator.

Ray’s lawyer might be thinking that he’s positioning his client in a more positive light and trying to, hypothetically speaking, influence certain peoples’ perception that this whole situation is not Ray’s fault…it’s HER fault. The same woman who has since married his client.

Hypothetically speaking, this tactic might help Ray with the Commish. But for those who live by the laws of reality, it hypothetically may have caused more damage.

But more importantly, and still hypothetically speaking, Mr. Diamondstein has just pissed off a proud black woman. And if that woman has the hypothetical conjones to haul off and start beating on a man built to play in the NFL, imagine the hypothetical persuasion she has convincing her husband to hire a new hypothetical lawyer.

This video is a hypothetical attempt at more sarcasm:



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