I think Johnny Manziel is a secret agent for the U.S.A.


Lots of e-ink is being spilt lately about the happy-go-lucky ways of one Johnny Manziel. The man likes to have a good time, and he doesn’t give two shits about what anyone thinks about it…not even his boss.

The truly eye-opening story from the “What da Fuck?” department is that he has been hanging with the all-to-sexy inked-up man-child, Justin Bieber.

But after giving it some thought, I realized that Johnny must know about recent efforts to have that little shit deported. And while our government publicly states that Bieber is good for our economy, we all know they secretly wish he would just disappear (Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting their wish is a “black ops” type of “disappear”. But my conspiracy persona believes that option is probably on the table).

For whatever reason, I suddenly recalled that Elvis once approached Nixon about becoming a special agent to help protect this great country from Commies, hippies and The Beatles.

And then it came to me: Johnny is a secret agent, running a government op to get close to Bieber and document all of his illegal and disgustingly cute antics to build a case for federal prosecutors to bring the hammer down and put that kid on a boat back to…um, well, Canada.

Then he can add Johnny Patriot to his list of alias’

Oh, wait…no, he can’t. Sorry, never mind, didn’t mean to bring up the distant future. Nothing to see here, move along.


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