Instead of executing Tsarnaev, bunk him up with Hernandez

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Slightly off topic, but do you remember that little rat bastard who killed or maimed a bunch of people at the Boston Marathon awhile ago? The scumfucker who was lovingly and delicately raised by his card-carrying ISIS-mama? Like Hernandez, he was also found guilty on all counts this week.

Today the family of the eight-year-old boy who was standing next to one of Tsarnaev’s bombs has asked prosecutors to take execution off the table, and make Tsarnaev serve life without parole instead.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, and I’ll tell you why:

With the death penalty, Tsarnaev would know when he will die. He will know how he will die. He will know who will kill him. It will be a painless death. And he can keep postponing it with appeal after appeal.

With a life sentence, Tsarnaev would have no idea when he will die. He won’t know how it will happen. He won’t know who will do it. It will likely be excruciatingly painful. And he has no ability to stop it from happening.

It would be a short-lived life sentence.

He would live in constant fear until that fateful day comes. It would be a brutal end for this little fucktard. And most likely, the prison officials will find no evidence linking any other convict with his, um…unfortunate demise. And we all know that prison officials are saints and angels, so they certainly wouldn’t be considered as suspects, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

So hey, Boston…how about just having Tsarnaev bunk with Hernandez? It would be a token redemption for Aaron if you would do that for him. He could even make a game out of it for the 2015 season, simply beating Tsarnaev within an inch of his life each time Hernandez hears the roar of the stadium crowd during a touchdown. TIA, love you guys, Boston Strong!

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That’s GUILTY! Guilty, guilty, guilty!

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The man who recently signed a 40 million dollar contract with the Patriots will now spend well over 40 years of his life rotting in a prison cell. Aaron Hernandez was found guilty and sentenced to LIFE without parole.

Perhaps some day his cell mate would be Lawrence Phillips, because they really seem to be a lot alike each other. But it’s not likely, since their home addresses are on opposite coasts.

In fact, Hernandez’s new home is literally a short jog away from the Patriots’ stadium. He’ll probably see fans dressed in Patriots jerseys parking their cars in the “cheap lots” near the prison and walking toward the stadium from his cell window on game days. And he’ll easily hear it whenever the Patriots score a touchdown.

So eight to ten times a year, Hernandez gets to be reminded by the roar of the crowd about his other life, the life he threw away when he took another’s life.

For the rest of his life.

I’m good with that.

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They shared a passion, a passion for…marijuana!

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Aaron Hernandez’s lawyers made their closing arguments today in the murder trial of Odin Lloyd. It was, um…unusual.

First of all, we found out today that Hernandez witnessed the murder. Wow, nobody saw that one coming. And watching someone plug six bullets into Lloyd put Hernandez into a state of shock and he didn’t know what to do…so he drove the murderer to his house, brought the murderer inside his house where his baby was sleeping, destroyed his home surveillance system, didn’t call the cops, and didn’t tell them who did it when being questioned the next day. Sounds reasonable.

Another new piece of info we didn’t know before today: Hernandez’s lawyers said he and Lloyd were future brothers-in-law. Which is probably heartbreaking for Shayanna’s sister, considering that Shaneah didn’t know that she and Lloyd were engaged…she thought they were just dating.

They were friends, practically family! There’s no motive! So who killed Lloyd?

Angel Dust fiends, that’s who. While Hernandez and Lloyd were spending quality time together sharing a joint of marijuana, one of the other two guys with them suffered a sudden PCP-induced psychosis and started shooting Lloyd for no reason whatsoever. Although there were no toxicology reports, this makes sense, too.

And the investigation behind the murder was horribly botched. It was “incomplete, biased and inept”. Hernandez’s lawyer insisted that the only goal of the investigation was to prove that Hernandez killed Lloyd, not to solve the case. Obviously, the jury needs to understand that proving someone committed a crime is not the same thing as solving a crime. Again, makes perfect sense to me.

But otherwise, Hernandez and Lloyd shared a passion. Not for football, no, no. They shared a passion for marijuana.

Well done, councilor. Well done.

The subliminal story here is that divas are combustible

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It’s only the first day of offseason workouts for several teams, and the Buffalo Bills’ newly acquired wide receiver Percy Harvin certainly isn’t wasting any energy trying to stay away from the spotlight.

Here’s what he had to say on his first day working out with the Bills: “The world has yet to see me really explode like I’m about to.”

Actually, Percy, the world watched you “explode” at Super Bowl XLVIII, when you scored on that kickoff return, and those two jet-sweeps for huge gains.

The only way the world will see you really explode is if the Bills go to Super Bowl 50. And it’s highly unlikely that the Bills will make it that far in the playoffs…IF they make the playoffs. On the positive side, the Bills odds of winning SB50 is 40-1, so there’s still a chance.

Otherwise, maybe they could shoot you from a cannon during the halftime show instead.

In other words, the subliminal story here is that divas are combustible.

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