Why did Hernandez write John 3:16 on his forehead?

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Full disclosure, I’m not any sort of expert on all religions. Or even a few. To be honest, over the last 30 years I’ve been exclusively studying to become a High Priest in the Church of Beer, reaffirming my faith 12 ounces at a time (pints, when I’m in Europe).

Latest word on Aaron Hernandez’s death is that he scrawled “John 3:16” in red ink on his forehead before he committed suicide. No confirmation yet if he did it backwards while looking into a mirror.

Hernandez is, for the most part, considered to be Hispanic. His father is of Puerto Rican decent. His mother is of Italian decent. So you might be asking, so what?

It means that there is about an 85-95% probability that Aaron Hernandez is Catholic.

And again you say, so what?

To which I answer: John 3:16 means something completely different to Catholics than it does to Christians. Some Catholics almost ignore John 3:16.

In other words, we have a Catholic who’s only parting message to the Earthly realm is a salvation statement of a Christian’s completed status.

Let that sink in for a minute while I grab another beer…

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Gronk crashes party, sans alcohol

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White House press secretary Sean “Spicoli” Spicer has the worst job in this administration. Every day he stands at the podium and has to go to battle against the so-called “fake news” press. That ulcer is probably a real bitch. He needs some help, right?

And the man who came to his rescue said, “Need some help?

Money says that Lorne Michaels is trying to call Gronk at this very moment, to get him to do a cameo appearance with Melissa McCarthy on SNL.

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Hernandez suicide doesn’t pass my sniff test

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As you have no doubt heard by now, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide last night in his prison cell, hanging himself with a bed sheet.

Naturally, as I am often wont to do, I put myself in Aaron’s shoes. First, he has relatively small feet. Second, how would I celebrate winning a double-murder trial five days earlier, and then having a slim chance of getting my previous conviction overturned on appeal and walking out of prison in shoes that are a little too small for me?

Out of all of my potential celebratory options available to me, suicide wouldn’t be very high on my list.

People who commit suicide usually do so out of guilt or remorse, depression, loneliness, rejection, and general helplessness, among other feelings.

What we know: Hernandez was found not guilty of double-murder. He still has his fiancée, who testified in his favor in court, even though she was granted immunity. He has the friendship of the street gang he joined in prison. He is surrounded by love, with a slight possibility of having his previous murder conviction overturned and leaving prison.

And then there is also the small fact that Hernandez is a textbook sociopath. Sociopaths don’t have those kind of feelings like guilt or depression. Sociopaths love themselves too much to commit suicide. And he left no suicide note…

This whole thing redlines my Bovine Excrement Meter. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out it was a case of merrrrderrrr. Mwuah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!

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The Good Lord plays favorites with his kids, too

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You always tell your children that you love them all equally, and you tell everyone else that you don’t have a “favorite” child among your brood of ankle-biters. We all do it. We all also know that every single one of us DOES have a favorite child. What will become clear to us all much later in life is that the favorite child has always known that he or she is the favorite.

And that favorite child never exposes this knowledge to the lesser siblings, so as to help make them feel better about themselves. Well, that is, up until the reading of your Last Will and Testament, at which time those siblings will truly understand their place in your status hierarchy. Hey, you’re worm food, why hide it any more?

During his first playoff game, Tim Tebow was able to will the Broncos to a tie score at the end of regulation against the Steelers. And then on the first play of overtime, he threw a touchdown pass, which brought a swift end to the game.

Yesterday was Tebow’s first official game as a baseball player. And on his first at-bat, he hit a home run.

Translation: Tim Tebow is one of God’s favorite children.

Tebow later said that it was “just one day. One opportunity”, which is exactly what the favorite child would tell the rest of us mortals to help make us feel better about ourselves in our relationship with the Good Lord.

Tebow has always known he’s a favorite child. He also realizes it would be a little tacky to stand straight up and say it out loud. Until the reading of the will, of course…

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Remember Aaron Hernandez? His defense rested today. Very tired…

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A couple of years ago, Aaron Hernandez went on trial for murdering his future brother-in-law. All of the sports websites wrote about the trial and subsequent conviction. That murder trial was a yuge deal, probably the yugest deal, and believe me, I know yuge, everybody says I know yuge better than anybody.

…shakes off Alec Baldwin impersonation…

Anyway, Hernandez’s defense team rested their case today for a double-murder trial unrelated to the previous murder trial. Seriously, there is a Hernandez Body Count (TM), but most of the sports websites all but ignored the latest trial. What were they thinking? THIS WAS A 2-FER DEAL! TWO DEAD GUYS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TRIAL! Obviously not news worthy because Aaron’s 40 million is already up in smoke…yes, I understand how media works (ok, not really, it vexes me. I’m terribly vexed. Which is why I blog. Terribly.)

No shocking revelations were introduced during the trial, but if Aaron’s trial history is any indication, those shocking revelations will only come during closing arguments. Hopefully they will be just as entertaining as they were last time. In the meantime, let’s pick this most recent trial apart, shall we?

Hernandez’s lawyers made an accusation that prosecutors knowingly used false testimony from the star government witness, Alexander Bradley. As you may recall, Bradley is the guy who claimed he was shot in the face by Hernandez and left for dead, then later claimed he didn’t know who shot him (I would find it difficult to forget who shot me point-blank in the face, to be perfectly honest).

Bradley claimed he initially wanted to tell a grand jury that he did not recall who shot him, to shield Hernandez from criminal charges.

Google Translate totally failed with this one, so let me translate what Bradley actually meant: “I was afraid that sumbitch would shoot me in the face again if I squealed”

The final defense witness was Dr. Jamie Downs, a forensic pathologist, who said the wounds of one of the victims indicated that the victim’s face was turned toward the shooter and that he had his right arm raised up, suggesting that the victim was holding a gun. And reading between the testimonial lines, we can conclude he meant the victim was pointing a gun at Hernandez and/or Bradley.

But when reading between the reality lines, it’s more likely that the victim was pointing a fully-loaded middle finger at Hernandez. Honestly, who wouldn’t flip off a multimillionaire who’s been acting like a douche all night?

In other news, Shayanna Jenkins-Hernandez, the woman who took Aaron’s name without getting the ring…or even a damn car…still has nothing new to add after being granted immunity for her testimony. She just trashed on Bradley, even though there was no reason for immunity if all she would need to do is trash Bradley. It’s like immunity doesn’t even mean anything anymore.

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At least we have ONE winner in the Romo debacle…right?

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It’s been a long while since we could blame Jessica Simpson for something, but hopefully I’ll figure out a way to do it by the time I finish writing this article.

Tony Romo is officially off the football playing field, and in the football media field. And we have a plethora of pinatas who had their guts spilt over it, so let’s get to it.

First loser up: the Dallas Cowboys. With their new franchise QB Dak Prescott leading them to the playoffs last season, they had an albatross of a contract with Tony Romo to deal with. First they said they would keep him, then said they would listen to trade offers, then that they would release him, then NOT release him, then let him talk to teams…what an EPIC FAIL. Have the Cowboys completely forgotten that we are currently in the Lying Season? Everybody else knew that the Cowboys were lying, and all they had to do was wait for the inevitable, for the Cowboys to release Romo, and they give up nothing in compensation to pursue him at a lower rate. All the flip-flopping made the ‘boys look desperate. They should have just kept their mouths shut and let some other desperate team make the first move, but we’re talking about Jerry Jones…a man who cannot keep his mouth shut any time he sees a microphone.

The Broncos were reportedly interested in Romo should he be released. They were likely hoping to have another Peyton Manning situation, and get to another Super Bowl or two with an experienced field general who didn’t have to do too much to win. I was personally hoping this would happen so that we could watch Jerry’s head explode: out-dueled by Horse Face? Would have been priceless. But they lost out.

Remember last year when the Texans thought Brock Osweiler would be their franchise QB of the future? Now that Brock is on the Browns’ roster, they’re both losers, but the Texans had a glimmer of hope that they might have a chance at Romo. And now they get smacked in the face of reality to find out that they were Romo’s first choice. Sad Trombone is playing in the Texans front office right now. All they need to do is to go after Colin Kaepernick, and they will complete the elusive Quarterback Loser Trifecta (QLT is copyrighted by the Cleveland Browns, reprinted here after receiving written permission for it’s use, All Rights Reserved).

Time will tell if CBS is a loser, but I’m gonna call it now. Placing a complete n00b in the highest position, to call nationally televised games? I mean, did Romo even have a demo tape that they could review before hiring him? Charming and devastatingly handsome only gets you so far in the media world…just ask Mike Florio.

It’s hard to call Romo a loser, because hey, he just got hired for the best position at CBS, right? Wrong. This is the Age of Social Media, and the media has no control over it. Keyboard warriors will tweet and blog plenty to criticize Romo’s performance, regardless if that criticism is warranted. And the memes…think of all the memes!

The only person who had no control over becoming a loser in this saga is Phil Simms. Imagine yourself holding down the top job at your company for two decades, only to be suddenly replaced by a new guy who only has a GED diploma. Two Super Bowl rings and an MVP award can’t beat out a guy with only two playoff wins? That’s gotta sting. But Simms has a couple of more years left on his contract, so CBS might pay him to watch games from his couch.

Which brings us back to Jessica. She’s skinny again, looking hot, and threatening humanity with another reality TV show. She’s a winner again! A winner who previously got dumped by Romo on her birthday.

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Why is Kaep’s unemployment such a big deal?

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A few years ago everybody was focused on the “new kids” at quarterback: Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin, Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick. These players supposedly would change the course of NFL football, all possessing legs as deadly as their arms. One particular analyst went so far as to say that Kaep could be “one of the greatest quarterbacks ever.”

Good luck ever living that one down, Jaws.

These days, Luck is doing OK and Wilson has played in a couple of Super Bowls, so their jobs are fairly secure. Healthy bank accounts, too. Wilson even married a smokin’ hot, famous recording artist. But the other two guys? Currently unemployed.

RG3 being out of a job is pretty easy to explain: devastating knee injury during the playoffs his rookie season, coach benched him the following year because he kinda sucked, third season saw an early injury, then he played just well enough to become RG3rd String in his fourth year, and was released. To add insult to injury (pun intended) it isn’t that the only team who wanted him was the Browns…the insult was that the Browns released him, too. Let’s give him a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it: the QB the Redskins drafted waaaay down in the fourth round of the same draft made $20 million last season, and will make $24 million this year. Possibly $34 million next year (but really, no way THAT happens).

Five years ago, Robert Griffin III was RG3 – today, he’s just Bob.

So today everybody’s fascination is: why is Colin Kaepernick unemployed?

Some people think it’s simply because he just isn’t a very good quarterback: he’s a stare-down-first-option-only-and-then-run-like-hell player. And he’s not very accurate when he does throw the ball. But hold on: he took his team to a Super Bowl, and then came within seconds of going to another Super Bowl (Pro Tip: do not ever again attempt a TD pass to a receiver being covered by Richard Sherman in any game, especially not during the NFC Championship game – am I right, Aaron Rodgers?) And his former coach has recently stated that Jaws may actually be right. So his ability to play QB is not the reason.

Most people are thinking it’s a league-wide conspiracy, that Kaep is being blackballed. Orly?

Some people say it’s because of his new vegan diet, resulting in loss of body bulk, so teams don’t want to pay a guy who could be too brittle to play the position. Well, Tom Brady is so health-food conscious, he eats avocado ice cream for desert, and he’s still playing in Super Bowls every couple of years. So Kaep’s sudden taste for kale ain’t it.

Previously, people were saying it was because of Kaepernick’s “anthem protest” last season, and team owners across the league are possibly a little pissed off about it. In addition he later said, “Patriotism is earned, it’s not something you demand”, but part of being a patriot is exercising your right to vote in order to demand change, and Kaep didn’t vote, stating “The system still remains intact that oppresses people of color” without realizing that the current POTUS was a person of color…and on his second term. So owners being unhappy about his protesting is plausible, yes.

Of course, now Kaep says he won’t be continuing his protests at games, which is a really good thing, because I firmly believe that if you don’t vote, you have no right to bitch. But his protests last season aren’t the reason he’s not employed. Three different teams signed a guy after he served prison time for killing dogs while running an illegal dog-fighting ring, and protesting the flag is a distant-second place to something like that.

So why is Colin Kaepernick unemployed? It’s simple: he quit his job, leaving over $14 million on the table.

He could have stayed with the 49ers and continued to collect checks on that so-called “team friendly” contract he signed. Remember when everybody thought he was crazy for taking that deal?

Yeah, well, throwing away 14 million bucks and being unemployed is a nice paper cut.

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