Conversation between Trump/Pence before Colts/49ers game

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So The Donald admitted that he told his personal rimjob masseuse Vice President to go to the Colts/49ers game, and to be sure to leave the stadium if any players take a knee during the national anthem. As if he was actually going to give Pence the day off to enjoy a football game.

Anyway, SOMEbody needs to leave the stadium. And since nobody who voted for Trump will do it, you gotta stage a stooge to do it. According to my sources, this is how their conversation went:

Trump: How would you like to go to the Colts/49ers game tomorrow?
Pence: With you?
Trump: No.
Pence: With Ivanka?
Trump: HELL no. Just you. You’re from Indiana, you’re a Colts fan.
Pence: No, I don’t like football, and both of those teams suck this year. Besides, I have a full schedule of meetings.
Trump: You won’t miss them. You’ll only be there for a few minutes.
Pence: A few minutes?
Trump: The limo driver has been instructed to drop you off, circle around the stadium, then pick you up again. That gives you enough time to get inside and be seen, you watch a player take a knee during the anthem, and you very visibly leave with a disgusted look on your face. You can do a disgusted look outside of my office, right?

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Why is this Trump vs NFL battle even happening?

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Trumpeters would say that The Donald is protecting the flag and, by God, the entire country, by attacking NFL players for “disrespecting the flag and the national anthem” when they kneel.

Hogwash. This is just another classic Trump diversion tactic.

Think about it: how do you get #FakeNews to not cover the real news that is happening right now? Divert their attention to something that means so much less, but make it sound like the biggest problem of the week (and if you have been keeping score at home, there has been a “biggest problem of the week” every week since January 20th).

First, Hurricane Harvey hit. Then Hurricane Irma hit. Now Hurricane Maria was hitting. He went to the U.N. General Assembly and called the leader of the DPRK, “Rocket Man” in front of the world leaders, and also mentioned something about other countries that would be going to hell. He is officially nicknamed “Dotard”, accepted across the land, and the nickname came from Rocket Man. His wife spent a day tending to Michelle’s vegetable garden. He finds out his son-in-law is actually a woman (some things about this administration are starting to make sense). His heavily-endorsed protege Luther Strange lost. He knew the umpteenth attempt to repeal Obamacare wouldn’t get enough votes. He had the head of HHS about to “resign” like so many other people in his cabinet over the last few months. That stubborn Mitch McConnell still won’t resign, that sonovabitch (Trump’s words, not mine).

Important matters, all of them. But what does The Donald think we need to focus our attention on? That’s right: those sons of bitches protesting the national anthem. And Steph Curry.

And #FakeNews eats it up…

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I have a feeling that Lucifer ain’t holding his breath

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Earlier today, The Donald was asked to explain his inconsistency between First Amendment rights of Nazis and white supremacists as compared to the First Amendment rights of NFL players.

What should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, The Donald said absolutely nothing about the “very fine people” with the tiki torches. Instead, he only spoke about the sons of bitches in the NFL. Read into that strategy what you will.

Ehhh-nyway, with the rant that he went on, The Donald had a chilling prediction for the NFL: they’re in a very bad box. The NFL has to change. Or what’s gonna happen? Their business is going to go to hell.

First, what kind of box is he talking about here? Cardboard box? Pandora’s box? Mime in a box?

Second, hasn’t he noticed the number of fans who did what he told them to do, and leave the stadium when they witness just one player committing an act of disrespect? Even when OBJ pretended to pee like Rover¬†on an opponent’s field, not a single person left.

It seemed to work just as well as insisting that owners should fire their players, dontcha think?

Lucifer is a pretty busy guy, but it’s not because he’s planning on entertaining the NFL anytime soon.

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Solving the National Anthem War with Trump

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As you have no doubt heard by now, the DPRK completely misunderstood when Trump declared war with the NFL via Twitter, thinking he had actually declared war with them. That’s understandable: language barriers with hermit kingdoms who don’t even allow Twitter in their country…happens all the time, right?

Of course, the rest of the world knows the U.S. President cannot declare war. The declaration of war must be made by the U.S. Congress, and everybody is very well aware that Congress is up to their armpits over another Repeal and Replace vote for the umpteenth time.

So while the POTUS is on a one-man wrecking crew with NFL players, I wondered how we could gently steer him towards doing his job instead (as if…), and placate the players and fans at the same time. An idea that would perhaps eliminate the whole nasty mess. And after three teams remained off the field this weekend, it made sense…

The NFL should reverse the current rule so that teams are not allowed to take the field until after the National Anthem is finished.

Now before all the flag fanatics start calling me a Russian agent – cuz Lord knows we have enough of those in the White House already – consider all of the winners in this scenario:

  • Commish Goodell: he doesn’t have to issue a statement to the POTUS with less-than harsh language
  • Owners: they don’t have to hear criticism for not firing a dozen sons of bitches
  • Coaches: they get to spend a few extra minutes game planning and testing their Patriots-issued headsets
  • Players: they don’t have team members who feel divided, and they get more time for a final pee break
  • Fans: they don’t have to disrespect the flag by booing during the anthem, and they get more time to take their first pee break
  • Networks: they can go back to broadcasting news and commentary that actually relates to football
  • People who don’t care: they don’t have to put up with all this shit dominating the news cycle all day long

There ARE losers with this idea, though. Because of the fact that the networks will regress to not broadcasting the National Anthem segment again, the people who sing it will go back to not being shown on TV again.

Hey, no idea is perfect.

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Auntie Em ! It’s a twister! It’s a twister!

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As almost every one else who tweets, and is above the age of 12, I was not shocked that The Donald took a gesture of NFL player solidarity AGAINST him and twisted its meaning, to specify that the solidarity was FOR him and the National Anthem.

This may come as a complete shock to you, but now that he has tweeted it, it becomes reality. Those players who stood locked arm-in-arm against what he said in Alabama the other day are now players who support what he said. Because he tweeted it.

It’s not the 12th or 28th time he has done this. So everyone should have expected it.

And it’s not like anyone can explain to him that he misunderstood what the gesture actually meant. He’s The Donald. He has told us all numerous times that he’s much smarter than any of us. He doesn’t misunderstand anything.

And he never apologizes. But that’s only because he never misunderstands, and is never wrong. He has boasted about this personal characteristic numerous times as well.

More players knelt today than ever before. Three teams didn’t even come outside for the National Anthem.

I think that next week, we’ll see more teams that choose to remain in the locker room for the National Anthem. And they’ll make no bones to The Dotard: they ain’t coming out because of HIM.lockedarms.png

When it comes to owning an NFL team, Trump is a genius

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Remember when The Donald claimed that he knows tax laws better than any presidential candidate in history?

Remember when The Donald claimed he knows more about ISIS than any of the U.S. generals?

You might want to sit down for this, because Trump also knows more about how to run a football franchise than the owners do. Which may seem a bit odd, considering how he had once purchased a football franchise and then proceeded to bankrupt the entire league.

To illustrate, earlier today during a campaign rally for GOP Senate candidate Luther Strange, Trump decided to offer advice to NFL owners who have players that don’t stand during the National Anthem: the owners should say, “Get that son of a bitch off the field, right now. Out. He’s fired. YOU’RE FIRED!”

Because naturally, absorbing the guaranteed money and the enormous cap hits that comes with simply firing players in the middle of their contracts makes billionaire football owners even richer, right? And that massive loss, in turn, helps them put a better team on the field too, right? Meanwhile, the fired players would be made to suffer by collecting all future weekly paychecks in one lump sum in the millions, and retiring with only one Bentley instead of three.

Trump further suggests that when you see a player who doesn’t stand for the National Anthem, leave the stadium. Because naturally, buying tickets in the cheap seats for $200 a pop, plus paying $40 for parking, plus $12 beers, plus battling traffic to get to the stadium is a pittance…a PITTANCE, I dare say…than having to put up with the protestural indignation from any player. Leave before kick-off? Why, yes, I’m protecting the sanctity of my flag against disrespectful football players!

Which basically means that the crowd size in 16 stadiums, every week, would look like the 49ers stadium did last night.49ers_seats_fans-620x370.jpg

Is Andrew Luck’s career over?

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Some would say this article’s headline is silly. Others would say it’s insane. After all, Luck was considered the one sure-fire player in his draft class, the one player who was ready to start in the NFL, the neck beard to rule them all, and the Colts didn’t dare trade away the first pick and lose him.

But Colts fans are likely wondering about this very nightmarish possibility. I know that I am. Consider the following…

Luck signed the (then) richest NFL contract in history in June of 2016, and some called it a bargain. By the end of the 2016 season, Luck needed shoulder surgery, and nobody has seen him throw a football since.

Except for Jim Irsay. Sort of. Or maybe not really. When Irsay was asked if he had seen Luck throw he replied, “I have, and I haven’t.” Hmmmm…

In June, the team essentially knew Luck wouldn’t be ready to go for training camp. As training camp opened in July, Luck himself wouldn’t commit to being ready for Week 1. As we neared Week 1 of the regular season, Coach Pagano said he’s “never there to see” the quarterback put the ball in the air.

Let that sink in for a moment: the head coach is never there to see if his only hope of continued employment can throw a football. What, is Pagano spending every day at Krispy Kreme?

And the Colts wasted no time to say that Luck still won’t play in Week 2, three days before they needed to make that announcement. But otherwise, they are still being very secretive about Luck’s current rehab status, or even if he’s throwing yet.

Where am I going with this, you might ask? Money. The ink on that fat contract was barely dry, and now the Colts are on the hook for at least $45 million dollars guaranteed, even if Luck never takes another snap.

Sure, maybe they’re just protecting their investment. They wouldn’t want him to re-injure that shoulder before it’s completely healed and lose him indefinitely, right? The key word here is indefinitely, because we are already in the indefinitely zone THIS year.

That brings us back to the money. Recall the Redskins and the guy who beat out Luck for the Rookie of the Year award: the team eventually¬†bubble-wrapped RG3 and hoped for a trade that never came. Then RG3 was dumped, he signed with the Browns, aaaaaannnd he got injured in his first game. We haven’t seen much of him since.

In other words, the Colts have bubble-wrapped Luck. And gagged him. And gagged the entire front office and coaching staff. And they’re hoping that Luck will heal juuuuust enough that someone will take a gamble and trade for him and his monster contract.

Maybe I’m way off base. But I won’t be surprised if Luck never takes another snap for the Colts again. Or anyone else.

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