Why is this Trump vs NFL battle even happening?


Trumpeters would say that The Donald is protecting the flag and, by God, the entire country, by attacking NFL players for “disrespecting the flag and the national anthem” when they kneel.

Hogwash. This is just another classic Trump diversion tactic.

Think about it: how do you get #FakeNews to not cover the real news that is happening right now? Divert their attention to something that means so much less, but make it sound like the biggest problem of the week (and if you have been keeping score at home, there has been a “biggest problem of the week” every week since January 20th).

First, Hurricane Harvey hit. Then Hurricane Irma hit. Now Hurricane Maria was hitting. He went to the U.N. General Assembly and called the leader of the DPRK, “Rocket Man” in front of the world leaders, and also mentioned something about other countries that would be going to hell. He is officially nicknamed “Dotard”, accepted across the land, and the nickname came from Rocket Man. His wife spent a day tending to Michelle’s vegetable garden. He finds out his son-in-law is actually a woman (some things about this administration are starting to make sense). His heavily-endorsed protege Luther Strange lost. He knew the umpteenth attempt to repeal Obamacare wouldn’t get enough votes. He had the head of HHS about to “resign” like so many other people in his cabinet over the last few months. That stubborn Mitch McConnell still won’t resign, that sonovabitch (Trump’s words, not mine).

Important matters, all of them. But what does The Donald think we need to focus our attention on? That’s right: those sons of bitches protesting the national anthem. And Steph Curry.

And #FakeNews eats it up…




I have a feeling that Lucifer ain’t holding his breath


Earlier today, The Donald was asked to explain his inconsistency between First Amendment rights of Nazis and white supremacists as compared to the First Amendment rights of NFL players.

What should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, The Donald said absolutely nothing about the “very fine people” with the tiki torches. Instead, he only spoke about the sons of bitches in the NFL. Read into that strategy what you will.

Ehhh-nyway, with the rant that he went on, The Donald had a chilling prediction for the NFL: they’re in a very bad box. The NFL has to change. Or what’s gonna happen? Their business is going to go to hell.

First, what kind of box is he talking about here? Cardboard box? Pandora’s box? Mime in a box?

Second, hasn’t he noticed the number of fans who did what he told them to do, and leave the stadium when they witness just one player committing an act of disrespect? Even when OBJ pretended to pee like Rover on an opponent’s field, not a single person left.

It seemed to work just as well as insisting that owners should fire their players, dontcha think?

Lucifer is a pretty busy guy, but it’s not because he’s planning on entertaining the NFL anytime soon.


Solving the National Anthem War with Trump


As you have no doubt heard by now, the DPRK completely misunderstood when Trump declared war with the NFL via Twitter, thinking he had actually declared war with them. That’s understandable: language barriers with hermit kingdoms who don’t even allow Twitter in their country…happens all the time, right?

Of course, the rest of the world knows the U.S. President cannot declare war. The declaration of war must be made by the U.S. Congress, and everybody is very well aware that Congress is up to their armpits over another Repeal and Replace vote for the umpteenth time.

So while the POTUS is on a one-man wrecking crew with NFL players, I wondered how we could gently steer him towards doing his job instead (as if…), and placate the players and fans at the same time. An idea that would perhaps eliminate the whole nasty mess. And after three teams remained off the field this weekend, it made sense…

The NFL should reverse the current rule so that teams are not allowed to take the field until after the National Anthem is finished.

Now before all the flag fanatics start calling me a Russian agent – cuz Lord knows we have enough of those in the White House already – consider all of the winners in this scenario:

  • Commish Goodell: he doesn’t have to issue a statement to the POTUS with less-than harsh language
  • Owners: they don’t have to hear criticism for not firing a dozen sons of bitches
  • Coaches: they get to spend a few extra minutes game planning and testing their Patriots-issued headsets
  • Players: they don’t have team members who feel divided, and they get more time for a final pee break
  • Fans: they don’t have to disrespect the flag by booing during the anthem, and they get more time to take their first pee break
  • Networks: they can go back to broadcasting news and commentary that actually relates to football
  • People who don’t care: they don’t have to put up with all this shit dominating the news cycle all day long

There ARE losers with this idea, though. Because of the fact that the networks will regress to not broadcasting the National Anthem segment again, the people who sing it will go back to not being shown on TV again.

Hey, no idea is perfect.


Auntie Em ! It’s a twister! It’s a twister!


As almost every one else who tweets, and is above the age of 12, I was not shocked that The Donald took a gesture of NFL player solidarity AGAINST him and twisted its meaning, to specify that the solidarity was FOR him and the National Anthem.

This may come as a complete shock to you, but now that he has tweeted it, it becomes reality. Those players who stood locked arm-in-arm against what he said in Alabama the other day are now players who support what he said. Because he tweeted it.

It’s not the 12th or 28th time he has done this. So everyone should have expected it.

And it’s not like anyone can explain to him that he misunderstood what the gesture actually meant. He’s The Donald. He has told us all numerous times that he’s much smarter than any of us. He doesn’t misunderstand anything.

And he never apologizes. But that’s only because he never misunderstands, and is never wrong. He has boasted about this personal characteristic numerous times as well.

More players knelt today than ever before. Three teams didn’t even come outside for the National Anthem.

I think that next week, we’ll see more teams that choose to remain in the locker room for the National Anthem. And they’ll make no bones to The Dotard: they ain’t coming out because of HIM.lockedarms.png

When it comes to owning an NFL team, Trump is a genius


Remember when The Donald claimed that he knows tax laws better than any presidential candidate in history?

Remember when The Donald claimed he knows more about ISIS than any of the U.S. generals?

You might want to sit down for this, because Trump also knows more about how to run a football franchise than the owners do. Which may seem a bit odd, considering how he had once purchased a football franchise and then proceeded to bankrupt the entire league.

To illustrate, earlier today during a campaign rally for GOP Senate candidate Luther Strange, Trump decided to offer advice to NFL owners who have players that don’t stand during the National Anthem: the owners should say, “Get that son of a bitch off the field, right now. Out. He’s fired. YOU’RE FIRED!”

Because naturally, absorbing the guaranteed money and the enormous cap hits that comes with simply firing players in the middle of their contracts makes billionaire football owners even richer, right? And that massive loss, in turn, helps them put a better team on the field too, right? Meanwhile, the fired players would be made to suffer by collecting all future weekly paychecks in one lump sum in the millions, and retiring with only one Bentley instead of three.

Trump further suggests that when you see a player who doesn’t stand for the National Anthem, leave the stadium. Because naturally, buying tickets in the cheap seats for $200 a pop, plus paying $40 for parking, plus $12 beers, plus battling traffic to get to the stadium is a pittance…a PITTANCE, I dare say…than having to put up with the protestural indignation from any player. Leave before kick-off? Why, yes, I’m protecting the sanctity of my flag against disrespectful football players!

Which basically means that the crowd size in 16 stadiums, every week, would look like the 49ers stadium did last night.49ers_seats_fans-620x370.jpg

Is Andrew Luck’s career over?


Some would say this article’s headline is silly. Others would say it’s insane. After all, Luck was considered the one sure-fire player in his draft class, the one player who was ready to start in the NFL, the neck beard to rule them all, and the Colts didn’t dare trade away the first pick and lose him.

But Colts fans are likely wondering about this very nightmarish possibility. I know that I am. Consider the following…

Luck signed the (then) richest NFL contract in history in June of 2016, and some called it a bargain. By the end of the 2016 season, Luck needed shoulder surgery, and nobody has seen him throw a football since.

Except for Jim Irsay. Sort of. Or maybe not really. When Irsay was asked if he had seen Luck throw he replied, “I have, and I haven’t.” Hmmmm…

In June, the team essentially knew Luck wouldn’t be ready to go for training camp. As training camp opened in July, Luck himself wouldn’t commit to being ready for Week 1. As we neared Week 1 of the regular season, Coach Pagano said he’s “never there to see” the quarterback put the ball in the air.

Let that sink in for a moment: the head coach is never there to see if his only hope of continued employment can throw a football. What, is Pagano spending every day at Krispy Kreme?

And the Colts wasted no time to say that Luck still won’t play in Week 2, three days before they needed to make that announcement. But otherwise, they are still being very secretive about Luck’s current rehab status, or even if he’s throwing yet.

Where am I going with this, you might ask? Money. The ink on that fat contract was barely dry, and now the Colts are on the hook for at least $45 million dollars guaranteed, even if Luck never takes another snap.

Sure, maybe they’re just protecting their investment. They wouldn’t want him to re-injure that shoulder before it’s completely healed and lose him indefinitely, right? The key word here is indefinitely, because we are already in the indefinitely zone THIS year.

That brings us back to the money. Recall the Redskins and the guy who beat out Luck for the Rookie of the Year award: the team eventually bubble-wrapped RG3 and hoped for a trade that never came. Then RG3 was dumped, he signed with the Browns, aaaaaannnd he got injured in his first game. We haven’t seen much of him since.

In other words, the Colts have bubble-wrapped Luck. And gagged him. And gagged the entire front office and coaching staff. And they’re hoping that Luck will heal juuuuust enough that someone will take a gamble and trade for him and his monster contract.

Maybe I’m way off base. But I won’t be surprised if Luck never takes another snap for the Colts again. Or anyone else.


Hey ‘skins fans: Get ready for a third season playing tag with Cousins


Somewhat lost in the daily noise about Colin Kaepernick being unable to generate any noise of his own with teams (except for supporting comments from former coaches who got dumped by the 49ers) we had a lack of noise coming from the opposite coast.

Well, up until now, anyway. After being tagged a second year in a row, the deadline to sign Kirk (or Kurt) Cousins long-term came and went without a contract. Again.

And now the noise is deafening.

First, did you know that this is the first time a quarterback has played under the exclusive tag two years in a row? Considering it has happened before with other position players, you may wonder why it has never before happened with a quarterback…the simple fact is that tagging a quarterback a second time is insanely expensive.

Please remember: we all thought Dan Snyder was insane when he gave up THREE first-round picks to move up only four spots in order to select RG3. Then we all thought he was certifiable when he drafted another quarterback in the fourth round of the same draft.

See an insane pattern yet? Don’t worry, we’ll be coming back to the insanity defense later in this post. For now…

Within minutes of the deadline passing, the Redskins’ general manager publicly bitched that Cousins never got back to him after receiving their latest contract offer. How rude!

Cousins countered that he’s just trusting in the good lord (re: He put Kirk in D.C., He got rid of RG3, He gave Kirk decent stats for a season, He got Kirk millions in a franchise tag, then many millions more in another tag…no wonder I can never catch a break, God is too busy with Kirk).

Today almost every sports website and newspaper is trying to make sense of what happened, and the potential outcomes. Most people think there is no way the Redskins will even consider tagging him a third time: they would have to shell out $10 million more than what the guy drafted 101 picks earlier will make that year. Maybe the Redskins will let him walk, or maybe they’ll make the guy without a Super Bowl ring the highest-paid quarterback in the league (we’re making an assumption how 2017 will end…it’s not much of a stretch). There are a plethora of possibilities being thrown out there, nearly all of which take into consideration that the Redskins won’t tag Cousins again.

Kirk is looking out after Number One, and getting as much of RG3’s Dan Snyder’s money as he can. I applaud him for that. Kirk also knows that few teams will be able to justify or even afford the price that the franchise tags have “set his value” to, so the contract from his next team likely won’t be totally bonkers…so long as the Redskins just let him leave.

But they won’t just let Cousins leave. The Redskins don’t want to pay him $50 million to play in 2018, but they will pretend to want to pay him by tagging him a third time, and hope that some desperate team will offer them two first-round draft picks to take Cousins off their hands.

Because that’s what the Redskins really want: they want something in return for the insane deal they made years ago, trading three 1s to move up and take RG3…in the same draft they picked up Cousins in the fourth round.

But this tactic didn’t work in 2016. It didn’t work in 2017, either. But they think it will finally work in 2018. So they’ll tag him again.

Because they’re insane.