How the mighty have fallen


Colin Kaepernick has just been benched for *cough* Blaine Gabbert *cough*.

Andrew Luck just lost yet another game, having only one win as the starter this season. His geriatric backup has twice as many wins this year, and more embarrassingly, with zero interceptions.

Hey, has anybody seen RG3 throw a football lately? Like, in the last 11 months?

Aaron Rodgers was held to 77 yards passing this weekend against the Broncos. Hell, this game makes his horrid performance in the recent NFC Championship game look like patented brilliance.

Speaking of the Broncos, Peyton Manning this season has thrown as many TD passes as Drew Brees…well, as many as Drew Brees threw this weekend.

Mathew Stafford is one of five men in NFL history to throw more than 5,000 yards, but even he must be tired of the dumpster fire burning in Detroit right now.

Of course, people will point out how well Tom Brady is doing, and all I can say is that he gets to go home and hump a super model on top of a stack of thousand-dollar bills every night, so who the fuck cares?

But at least JPP will still be able to communicate with other drivers on the road


Some surgeon-type stuff is still going on to repair the damage Jason Peirre-Paul suffered when he blew off much of his right hand by selflessly jumping on enemy explosive ordnance playing with fireworks on July 4th.

Specifically, he had a repair procedure performed on his right middle finger.

Thankfully, his left middle finger is perfectly okay, allowing him to continue communicating with other drivers on American roads as usual. But with the repair procedure, he will also be able to communicate with other drivers in the event that he finds himself driving somewhere like Australia. Big win for Jason.

The Enforcer has failed again


Season opener, Thursday Night Football, the World Champions New England Patriots, wins and losses count! Great to have real football again, ain’t it?

And during the game, Patriots fans started chanting “Where is Roger?”


After that whole Deflategate debacle, the Commish was too chickenshit to show his face on Opening Night in Foxboro. It’s understandable though…imagine the cost of security alone to be protected against a deranged Minute Man. Have you ever been shot by a smoothbore musket? It HURTS.

So how do the Patriots honor the intentional absence of The Enforcer? Fuck with the opponent’s communications, of course! Oh sure, the headsets started working fine…as an official approached Belichick…but as soon as the official walked away, Steelers headsets were fucked again.

Timing of working/not working and the officials approaching/leaving was probably just coincidence, right? Hell, headsets failing at Foxboro alone is just coincidence…after having happened numerous times in the past.

And who would ever think that the Patriots would intentionally do this on national television? That would be absurd, right? To which I must posit: what part of these past few months WASN’T absurd?

Just a hunch, but I’d wager that none of this would have happened if the Commish were in da house. Fail.


Shit just got real, Kam


My first open letter to a player. I’m so excited!

Dear Kam. Can I call you Kam? Ok, Mr. Chancellor, then…

Hey man, I know, money makes the world go ’round. Where is my security? The money shows the respect. Got my family to feed. You ain’t using any of those cliches, a sign of total consciousness. So you’ve got that going for you. Which is nice.

But you’ve been fined $30K every day of camp, and now your coach is saying that you’re not there, so you’re not playing. Sunday, that is. You know, the day you’re supposed to start getting pay checks? The checks that total over a quarter-meelyun dollars? EACH?

Hey, I would look like an idiot saying that it would take me years to make as much as what you’ll be losing this Sunday, so I won’t go there (too late…).

The cap has been capped. They can’t do better on you. Bennett is there, and we all know how disgruntled he is for not taking the better offer from da Bears or the supposed mystery team. But he honored his mistake decision and he showed. So maybe, cut your losses and get your disgruntled ass back to work.

Besides…consider the opposing slot receiver having to go across the middle against a disgruntled Kam Chancellor. Yeah, um…nope.

Ok, so maybe I just wanted to post two blog entries in a row that somehow worked in Bill F. Murray.

What about Bob?


Robert Griffin III had another lousy season last year. He injured his ankle, comes back, immediately loses three games in a row, and gets benched by Thanksgiving. AGAIN. Poor guy has won, what, 4 games in two years? His coach seems less than impressed, too.

Then the clouds parted, and the angels sang: the Redskins exercised their fifth-year option on RG3! Pick #2 ain’t making pick #75 money, but $16 meelyun dollars guaranteed for 2016 in case of injury? Sounds like a ringing endorsement that they still have faith in him, right?

Then RG3 outright failed to win the starting job for 2015. Oh, he suffered a concussion? No, he didn’t. Wait, yes he did. Um, the doctor needs to check him again in a couple of weeks to clear him…waitaminut, another couple more WEEKS?

So now we’re approaching kickoff for Week 1. Is RG3 going to be the backup QB, or is he going to be demoted to RG3rd String? With just four days to go, Coach Gruden says it’s too soon to say who will be #2.


Translation: My boss is STILL arguing with me about Bob.

Snyder obviously thinks Bob will be fine. He just needs baby steps. Pro-tip Dan: don’t let him back on your yacht.


Cowboys are rushing scared?


DeMarco Murray finished the 2014 season as the NFL’s rushing champion. He broke one of Emmitt Smith’s team records. He broke one of Jim Brown’s NFL records. He was voted by both the Associated Press and PFWA as Offensive Player of the Year.

Smart NFL owners and GMs would franchise a player like this. Smart NFL owners and GMs would NOT give all of the rushing credit to their offensive line. But nobody has ever accused Jerry Jones of being smart (have they? Seriously, that’s not a rhetorical question…)

So, who becomes the NFL’s 2015 rushing champion behind that awesome line? Well, they still have Joseph Randle. Sure, he prefers wearing brand new underwear that smells like Old Spice, but obviously he knows how to pull his pants up and get to work.

No? Then let’s bring in Darren McFadden, and along with Lance Dunbar we’ll have a running back by committee! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Hmm, not the greatest of results in the preseason…so, what the hell, let’s trade for Christine Michael and REALLY fuck around with everyone’s fantasy draft!

In other words, Jerry is probably going to need another hug from Chris Christie. That is, as long as Christie isn’t too busy shouting down little schoolgirls over climate change…

How the hell did Brady find the time?


By now everyone knows that the Commish has upheld Tom Brady’s four game suspension for his role in DeflateGate. The shocking part of the story was that shortly before the decision was publicly announced, ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith scooped everyone by stating that he “heard” from somebody that Tom Brady had destroyed his phone, the device that supposedly has evidence that Brady was complicit in the illegal tampering of game balls.

It’s shocking because the scoop came from Stephen A. Smith. My goodness, Skip Bayless must be green with envy.

But I digress. Destroying your phone on the same day that you’re asked to provide specific evidence from that device just reeks of desperation. Total panic move. Sheer heart attack.

Here’s the part on the decision that is a little hard to wrap my head around: “During the four months that the cell phone was in use, Brady had exchanged nearly 10,000 text messages, none of which can now be retrieved from that device.

Tom Brady was busy practicing/playing football every week during those four months, plus he had to make time for media interviews, attend public appearances, satisfy a supermodel wife, and feed the piranhas in his moat every day. How the hell did he find time to exchange ten THOUSAND text messages during those four months?

And if you’re looking for Stephen A. Smith, he’s currently sitting in a lounge chair next to the ESPN corporate pool, sipping on his third white wine spritzer. The palms of his hands are probably sore from all of those high-fives. He’s getting laid tonight!