Does Time Magazine know the reason why I started this blog?

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A new study found that men who watch a lot of pornography tend to have less gray matter volume as well as less activity in the region of the brain linked to rewards.

Which totally explains why I started this blog. Right?

However, something to keep in mind is that it was a German study. Have you ever seen German porn?

So maybe I’m OK.

“Maybe” being the operative word…

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Hypothetically, Ray Rice pays his lawyer entirely too much money

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My father raised me to be the kind of man who never hits a woman. Even if she’s throwing punches and kicking at me, do not hit back. Even some rappers abide by this simplistic rule.

However, hypothetically speaking, if that woman is trying to light you on fire or slicing your Johnson off, go ahead and lay one on her…no sense in dying for a certifiable crazoid. There needs to be certain exceptions in extreme situations.

Hypothetically speaking, Ray Rice wasn’t going to be placed on injured reserve by his shitfaced fiance (now wife) in a casino elevator. But he did make a huge mistake in hitting her back, for which Ray has been found guilty by the Courts of the Internets. Plus he still looks forward to additional punishments by Goodell, who actually wields real authority that carries more weight than a judgemental comment or blog post by people sitting in the peanut gallery.

Out of the backfield comes Ray’s lawyer. Well, hypothetically speaking he is still Ray’s lawyer as of the time of this post.

Hypothetically speaking, Ray’s lawyer had something to do with the public statement and “apologies” made by Ray and his wife the other day. The Internets are all atwitter that his wife actually offered an apology for “her role”. Personally, I see nothing wrong with that: I was always taught that my best friend and I both apologize after we beat each other silly. But we apologized to each other…Ray and his wife offered no apology to each other. I wonder why…

And his lawyer seems to have Jerry Jones Syndrome, because he couldn’t resist an active microphone. And he went all hypothetical on the radio about how, in a hypothetical situation, a man might be pushed too far and hit back. Hypothetically speaking, it would be the woman’s fault for getting cold-cocked while she’s swinging away, shitfaced in an elevator.

Ray’s lawyer might be thinking that he’s positioning his client in a more positive light and trying to, hypothetically speaking, influence certain peoples’ perception that this whole situation is not Ray’s fault…it’s HER fault. The same woman who has since married his client.

Hypothetically speaking, this tactic might help Ray with the Commish. But for those who live by the laws of reality, it hypothetically may have caused more damage.

But more importantly, and still hypothetically speaking, Mr. Diamondstein has just pissed off a proud black woman. And if that woman has the hypothetical conjones to haul off and start beating on a man built to play in the NFL, imagine the hypothetical persuasion she has convincing her husband to hire a new hypothetical lawyer.

This video is a hypothetical attempt at more sarcasm:

 

He just wasn’t about THAT action, boss

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The Seahawks spent part of their day being honored by the POTUS this afternoon. And Obama had a few humorous quips, not the least of which that he admired Marshawn Lynch’s approach to the press.

Except the Beast wasn’t in attendance.

I’ve searched all over teh innerwebs and cannot find anyone who states specifically why Marshawn decided not to appear. Leading up to the Super Bowl he suddenly became famous for having avoided the press like the plague for basically his entire career, and not a single fan gave a rat’s ass. Then some douche reporter decided to give a rat’s ass and file a complaint.

But the White House visit wasn’t like an interview junket. All he would have been required to do was to dress like a gentleman and stand there looking pretty.

Maybe he was afraid that he’d smile.

UPDATE: According to the bagman for Marshawn’s Skittles, “he just said he didn’t want to go”. Okay Beast, no problem…but no excuses next year, right? You go, ‘k?

NFL RedZone? Um…no, thank you

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A few friends of mine love the NFL RedZone, a cable channel that zips from one 20-yard line to the next across all games being played, highlighting the touchdowns and certain other big plays in “real time”.

 

Meh.

 

Football is like a game of chess: one side makes a move, while the other side makes a counter-move. Strategy is the key ingredient. The difference between football and chess is that for every move in football the pieces are arranged differently on the board, and all of the pieces move at the same time. Violently.

 

If you’re only watching the end result (i.e. touchdowns), you’re not watching the strategy.

 

Each play sets up what needs to be done on the next play. The field position, the time on the clock, the specific 22 players lining up, the elements and many other factors determine which play will be called to overcome what the opposing team is doing. The fan becomes enveloped in the game, analyzing what is happening, and trying to guess what’s going to happen next. The fan pumps his fists when a critical play is made, and shats himself on a blown play.

 

The NFL RedZone removes all of the anticipation and passion of watching a game plan unfold, watching the players move on from a mistake, watching the leaders on the field command the game. On the other hand, RedZone also removes the possibility of needing a change of underwear.

 

And it also removes the joy of seeing a close-up of Jim Harbaugh’s facial expression when any call goes against the 49ers.

Dammit…my money was on Dancing with the Stars

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Look, I just got started here, and had no intention of focusing both of my first two posts on the same player. But Sam went and did something stupid. Well, I think it was stupid. So I have to call him out.

Sam: you were a 7th-round pick, man. SEVENTH (period) ROUND (period)

NFL odds are not in your favor. You got a lot of work to do to make the team, you’ll be lucky if you get a second chance with another team, and your actions will speak MUCH louder than your words.

Words that you have decided should be part of a reality TV show. Which, of course, is the moronic action you have taken.

So…kissing a guy on TV wasn’t enough, eh? Need more than your allotted 15 minutes, eh? Gotta sign with the Queen Bee, eh?

You take all the goodwill from people, all their prayers for you, all the “atta boy”s, and you flush it down a non-environmentally friendly commode. Yeah, I’m talking about the 3.5-gallon flush here, buddy.

Look, we all expected something like this from a FIRST round pick who goes by the name of “Football”. Not from you.

Howja like my use of punctuation?

The 7th-round kiss that shocked…the world?

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First, the world was shocked when the Cowboys did NOT select Johnny Football in the first round. All those who wish the owner of the Cowboys would fire the GM of the Cowboys probably had to choke back their beer on that one.

Then, we were treated to an emotional moment of a draftee who kissed somebody he loved when finding out he was selected.

…which was another guy.

If you follow the regular news websites, this kiss was EVERYWHERE. It’s bigger than Sterling, it’s bigger than the girls of Boko Haram, it’s bigger than the unexpected death of Clay Aiken’s political rival for a congressional seat in North Carolina. It shocked the world! A gay athlete! A gay athlete who plays FOOTBALL, goddammit. Acting all Ellen on live television! And to this I say,

WTF?

He’s gay. He’s got a boyfriend. Big freaking deal.

The only way this would TRULY have been some sort of story with legs would be if we did NOT know he was gay before that kiss. Then again, do you think ESPN would have had a camera on him in the first place? Of course not, they’d all be clamoring to get into the Cowboys war room to see if Jerry Jones had been knocked out unconscious.